Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. — Dennis Frakes

Ah, middle names: those seldom uttered but much anguished upon appendages of personal appellation. Pride of our parents, mirth of our peers, bane of our preparatory schoolyard years.

Have you ever wondered where our middle names come from? I did, and I discovered there are some historical and social factors that commonly influence our choices. What follows is a humours look at the Seven Species of middle place monikers. Which one do you most identify with?

The Honorific

The Honorific is the granddaddy of all middle names (quite literally). There is a long standing tradition in many western cultures of giving children middle names that honour various ancestors and relatives. Grandfathers are perhaps the most traditional choice but favourite Aunts and Uncles are also commonly found amongst a child’s middle names. In post-revolutionary America, it became fashionable to use the mother’s maiden name in this capacity. These kinds of honorary handles are generally kept within the family, but there is also a species which honours notaries from outside such as the recent batch of babies  named for Barack Obama.

Note: In cases where the it is the first name which is honorific (usually of ones father), the middle name sometimes functions as ones familial first name; in which case it is a ‘disambiguator’.

The Saint

In the Catholic tradition, it is customary for children to be named after Saints. While modern-day parents may be tempted to choose more unique and secular names, at least one bastion of the orthodoxy still frowns on this practice. However, Catholics wishing to honour both tradition and novelty at once may choose to consign the Saint to middle position and adopt a first name from a much broader modern-day canon. In some countries, Saints names might instead be appended to a persons given name after Confirmation, sometimes with gender bending results. So, if you’re a man named Marie or a woman named George, take heart. It’s probably because you’re a Saint.

The Bridge

This is the name chosen for no other reason than to be pretty and unassuming; she is typically a simple and familiar name with few surprises. The bridge name plays a supporting role, not a staring one and is especially likely to appear in the shadow more exotic or flamboyant first names. The Bridge is particularly characteristic of girls names, some all time favourites being Ann, Marie, Rose and Jane. She is the little black dress of the name world which can look good (or sound good) with anything.

Note: In cases where the first name is equally concise such as in Billy Bob or Mary Anne, a bridge name may then be considered a ’second-barrel’. This style of name is popular in the Southern States of America due to the high incidence of gun ownership in those parts.

The Prestige

The Prestige is the polar opposite of the Bridge. Far from being pretty and unassuming, he goes proudly, boastfully—full of pomp and circumstance. Being a creature of the establishment, he is typically found in a fraternity of middle names, proudly marching in step, like the ostentatious moniker of well known film actor, Kiefer Sutherland, who’s full name is in fact: 

Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland

Not surprisingly, Kiefer doesn’t use his full birth name in his film credits.

Multiple middle names like this are popular among the upper-class and nobility, particularly in the UK and Germany and are often used as a symbol of high social standing. Among more down to earth folk however, such extravagance may be considered embarrassing and even a social stigma. If you’re parents were ambitious social climbers, probably have a Prestige name that you try to keep secret from your friends.

The Secret Identity

This is the name your parents secretly wanted to give you but were either too meek or too considerate to do so. The Secret Identify is the strong, silent type. An unusual or quirky middle name hiding behind a safer, less conspicuous option. It’s Superman hiding behind the guise of mild mannered Clark Kent. The best way to spot an unsung hero is that he is distinctively more interesting then the name he follows, even perilously so. If Danger really is your middle name, you may have a Secret Identify.

The Runner Up

Of all the species of middle names, the runner up is the most unfortunate. There is nothing particularly special about him. At the end of the day he’s just another name your parents fancied, but not quite as much as the one you ended up with. Once a candidate for poll position but ultimately rejected and relegated to the minors, his very presence seems a kind of doleful consolation. He doesn’t quite belong, but no one has the heart to tell him. Unfortunately, Runner Up names are often phonetically incompatible with their first place successors and the ad-hoc paring of the two can create an uncomfortable and awkward feeling. If you got lumped with a runner up name, you probably don’t feel a great deal of affinity for it and tend to omit it, event when asked by official documents. Predictably, many bearers of runner-up names quietly abandon them latter in life.

The Epithet

The Epithet stands apart from his peers in that he is not (typically) bestowed by ones progenitors but rather acquired latter in life as commentary on ones physical or behavioural characteristics. They might be inspired by remarkable talent, feats of daring-do, or extreme clumsiness. Consequently, they are frequently found within the entertainment industry and the Mafia. An Epithet can be a badge of honour or a shameful brand. In either case you are to be congratulated if you are special enough to have one.

Looking for the perfect name for your offspring-to-be? Avoid disappointment and consult the Baby Name Brainstormer before making any rash decisions. It’s fun and could save you from a lifetime of lament and might-have-beens!